Stephanus Maximus Truthiness/Featured
STEPHANVS MAXIMVS TRVTHINESS is a Roman emperor, formerly a centurion and general in the Armies of The Gut. Stephanus was summoned to the set of The Colbert Report to exchange words and ideas with the strange barbarian Cullen Murphy. Though he hails from a Republic, he is by no means a Republican, although he does share the sentiments of fellow citizen Georgius of Portui Novae. It is said that his Roman Catholic nature is so overwhelming that even lions dare not savage him. Stephanus has been courted by numerous enlightened people in the empire to join their consortia imperii. His would-be Vice-Consuls include amongst their august ranks the Ex-Praetor Michael of Arcansia, Great Herald Gulielmus of Nuntius Vulpes, Iosephus Vix Borough, Esteban the Colonial Spaniard. The rabid slaves belonging to the vain Israelite Johanne of Urbs Novum Eboracum have gone so far as to demand that these two join forces for a bid at Caesarcy. Chariot trim banners have already been crafted for all these possible combinations. History of the name of STEPHANVS MAXIMVS TRVTHINESS Using the Latin alphabet, his name is properly rendered STEPHANVS MAXIMVS TRVTHINESS. However, it is commonly and correctly seen written as "Stephanus" in Roman. There have been specious rumours suggesting that "Stephanus" is a Gallic name, as well as hints that Stephanus Maximus Truthiness himself might be of Gallic descent. Rest at ease as to any traces of such barbarism, citizens: if any at all were even present, it was bred out of his stock centuries ago. You cannot doubt that he is the epitome of the civilized man, and should anyone have the Gaul to dispute this, may they be eviscerated in a coliseum before a crowd of blood-thirsty spectators. The correct manner in which to exclaim his name is "STEF-fan-noose". Anyone found pronouncing it as "STEFF-ANUS" will be drawn, quartered, and processed into feed for Stephanus' eagles. Why? It's Latin, bitch! Biographia STEPHANVS MAXIMVS TRVTHINESS was one of the most influential men of American antiquity, born around MMLXIV B.C.. While still a young man, STEPHANVS conquered the whole of the Canadian Wastes, spreading Truthiness, Freedom, and Democracy to the barbearian hordes at the point of his gladius. With his conquest of the Canadian territory , STEPHANVS became the most famous military commander in the history of the world, and the most powerful man of the ancient American Republic. Bellum! (War, for the non-civilized) With his great triumph, STEPHANVS had won the hearts and minds of the plebs, and was seen by the newly elected patrician Senate as a serious threat to their autocratic rule. In an attempt to sway the people's love away from STEPHANVS, they launched a plot to assassinate Our Glorious Dictator's flawless character, which included a number of negative ad campaigns. Populares Party Senator Rahmvs the Jew forbade his fellow politicians to even meet with STEPHANVS. However, some Senators with hubris ignored the order and became better known by the General. The traditional golden laurel wreath awarded for military victory was denied to STEPHANVS and awarded instead to his top rival, popular entertainer Pincvs the Jew. However, after an intense campaign of bribery, intimidation, and mass crucification, STEPHANVS was able to broker a historic peace accord in which shared ownership of the golden laurel was agreed. In fear of STEPHANVS truthy numina, a last ditch effort to dishonor him was made by Punditex Maximus Jvhlius Stewartvs the Jew. The first salvo was a harsh criticism of STEPHANVS' close ally and friend, Geraldvs Rivervs the Jew. This was the last straw, and STEPHANVS was finally forced to take action against his rivals. Marching his innumerable, fanatical legions across the Republicon River, he famously stated, "There's no accounting for taste," and chiseled Stewartus into his On Notice Tabula. STEPHANVS easily conquered Rome, finding it hilariously undefended. He had planned to meet Stewartvs in single combat in the Coliseum, but upon their meeting that found that the man was only IV' VI" tall and as scrawny as one of his many catamites. Being a clement ruler, he chose to forgo crucification and instead took Stewartvs as a slave. In honor of STEPHANVS's friend Geraldvs, he forced Stewartus to wear a ridiculous mustache and give mustache rides for only V sesterce to any old Tiberius, Darius, or Herodotus plebian on the street. Traditio! (Betrayal, for the Angles and the Saxons) With America conquered, and his multitudinous, courageous legions occupying the capital, STEPHANVS set his sights towards being crowned the Holy Roman Emperor of America and transforming from a Republic into a Glorious Empire. On March 15, 44 BC, Just 5 days before his coronation celebration, STEPHANVS boldy strode into the Senate, planning to abolish the treasonous body. The cowardly liberal senators took their opportunity to strike, stabbing him in the back with daggers they had concealed beneath their togas. His loyal Camp Prefect Bobbe landed the final blow, whereupon STEPHANVS famously proclaimed, "Et tu, Bobbe?", and perished. XLII years after his death, the Senate formally deified as Divus Stephanus, after the Optimates Party finally regained control of the government. Resurrectio On June 7th, 2007, the zombified corpse of STEPHANVS MAXIMVS TRVTHINESS was reanimated by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A. and charged with figuratively crucifying author Cullen Murphy in an interview on The Colbert Report, where he is currently on retainer. Today, he can be found working as a personal trainer for The Lord's Gym and gorging himself at all-you-can eat buffets nationwide. Nexus Externus Bellum Lacuna *Bear witness to Stephenus' debate with Murphy. A tome has been scribed, and included is a moving image recorded from the Oracle of Masses. Loricatus Divinus *An artisan hailing from Augustina in the province of Texia has crafted the truthy armor we hold so dear. *The artisan Matthæus demonstrates the awesomeness of his creation. *The Patriot Armor Helmet in all its glory. Nothing finer could be forged to protect the cerebrum of Stephanus! *Citizen, an opportunity has been granted to you to procure an artifact with Stephanus' visage upon it. If it is not taken, you will make the infant Hercules cry!